Over your lifetime, whether long or less long, how many staff meetings have you sat through? This is not an attack on staff meetings . . . they are (usually) a necessity. I’m just curious as to the nomenclature of the room according to the decade in which you sat/are sitting.

It’s been a while since regular meetings were part of my weekly existence so the overused phraseology that filled the skies and rained down in our conference room back in the day were mostly things like, “think outside the box, paradigm shift, bring to the table, take a chill pill, and talk to the hand.” Now, or at least in the last few years or so, we are “drilling down, brain dumping, moving the needle, drinking the Kool-Aid, deep diving, circling back, losing bandwidth, back burnering, tabling, and putting a pin in it.” Thank goodness I am not in those meetings. I’d get in trouble for scoffing and making little snorting sounds.

Except for the pin image. I find that personally useful.

Recently I stumbled upon some social media wisdom (insert whatever emoji pops into your head) that took a different tack regarding a subject that is very personal and sensitive to me, one I occasionally will pause to read about regarding what others have to say. People approach it from varying points of view and the tribe I most closely associate myself with –Christians– have an especially emotional and sometimes unintentionally manipulative/mushy perspective so I jumped at this one for a break from that. The subject? Estrangement.

This particular short secular article assertively presented the idea of just giving up hope after long estrangements. Putting a pin in them, so to speak, and getting on with living a rich, vital life devoid of that constant hum of “Is today the day he/she will contact me?” The writer essentially said that, “why hope when all that is left at the end of it is despair?” That took my breath away a little. And actually caused me to think about the benefits of such a pin.

My beloved husband and I have spent the better part of 20 years in some form of estrangement from a couple of our children at two different times. We are in the middle of the darkness with one in particular at the moment. In deference to the privacy of my children and their watchful eye about what it means to honor one another, I will not give details here. Just know that these separations have had and are having deep effects within the family and particularly on this intrepid writer. “Intrepid” carries with it definitions like, “bold” and “fearless” and “brave,” all of which have been laughable during the bleakest deep darkness of the passing years of separation. But let’s not get bogged down in that, shall we?

In the case of Christian family separations, particularly with adult children and their parents, the constant hum of thoughts may go something like this: “I’ve prayed so long and hard that surely it will be soon. Maybe if he/she doesn’t reach out, it means I haven’t prayed/begged/pleaded genuinely or correctly enough and God wants me to spend more time at it, more time on my actual knees, not just sitting in a chair or weeping into my pillow. Have I humbly asked forgiveness for any ways I did it wrong toward him/her before the estrangement? Am I interpreting scripture correctly regarding this? Is tomorrow the day?” On and on and on and on and on and on.

Oh friends, it’s a torturous journey. Are you familiar with it? From either side? If so, I am sorry. The writer of this “put a pin in it” article says that quite possibly all we have to look forward to at the end of all these years of hope is disappointment, disillusionment, and despair. So why bother with feeling so badly? Why linger in the dark places? Why hope?

Well, my dears, I’ll tell you why. Because it is not the way families are supposed to work. And in Christian families, especially, though we are not immune to the troubles of the world, one would hope that members of the family would all be at least trying on a basic level to honor one another, saying to the world, “We are a family. We don’t all walk the exact same path each day, having distinctive personalities given to us by the Almighty, but in the end, we are knit together. We respect and claim one another in the best way we know how. I honor you and you honor me. Period.”

Disclaimer:

Your experience with estrangement is different than mine. Mine is different than Joe Schmoe’s from next door. Joe Schmoe’s is . . . well, you get it. So let’s be good to one another and not get defensive (speaking to myself too) about this topic. I may pop off with words that don’t set well with you. I do apologize if that is the case, but it’s taken me literally decades of living with this gut-wrenching phenomenon to arrive at the ability to even talk about it at all and this, friends, is my space. If you read me regularly, you understand my love for you is not couched in “only if you think the way I do.” So onward…

Estrangement is popular nowadays. Even if you just hit the high points of what’s out there in the world of pop psychology in social media, podcasts, and self-published books, you will find yourself blanketed with advice (some good, some ridiculous, some outright dangerous) on dealing with relationships in your life and how to set boundaries (ugh), take back control, and yes, even estrange yourself from folks who simply don’t set well with your ways. Oversimplification? Sure. But for our purposes here, that’s enough to get us going in the direction I’d like to speak to.

Please do not mistake my approach as naive. Not even close. There are people within families who require by their behavior to have backs turned to them. Abusers should not be tolerated. We protect ourselves and our children from them. No question. Are you afraid physically? Get help and get away. Are you facing emotional terrorism? I mean really. Not just a difficult relationship. If so, get help and get away. If, on the other hand, you just don’t see eye-to-eye, you don’t respect someone’s opinion or lifestyle, or you prefer to limit someone’s contact with your children, that’s another category, don’t you think? One that calls for caution, perhaps, but a full-on estrangement? That’s just mean. And dishonoring. And a little lazy. Families are a lot of work. They require energy.

This leaning toward fostering the idea of separating yourself from your family did not happen in a vacuum. Circumstances watered it like fertilizer in a garden.

A couple decades ago our Christian colleges (that’s a blanket statement, so let’s just limit it to the ones I am familiar with in my circle) began inserting classes into their religion departments to help their freshmen “deconstruct” their faith. I make no claim to understand the total thinking behind this curriculum decision. I believe the ultimate goal would seem to be to help the student claim their faith as their own and go out into the world as a separate entity from their family unit/parents with a faith foundation of their own. Very noble. And very misguided as it seems to have turned out. We’ve churned out a generation of lost young adults who do not respect their families, their own histories in the church, and who have entered adulthood with a cautionary and sarcastic chip on their shoulder regarding conversations about faith. You don’t hear so much about deconstruction these days in the curriculum cycle, but it’s done its work. Yes it has. Intentions were not all nefarious, of course, but the outcomes have damaged the evangelical church. There. I said it.

If you’re interested, here’s a pretty basic and informative article from almost three years ago that gives a concise explanation of faith deconstruction and its effect not only on young people but also on old timers in the church:

The Most Dangerous Form of Deconstruction

So, what does all this talk have to do with hope or lack of it in regard to separation from family? I trust it gives a little perspective on the cultural context in which we find ourselves and where our kids find themselves. I’m not excusing myself. I’m not excusing my kids. Just pointing out that we’re all participants in whatever subculture we land in according to the date we landed on this old earth. I didn’t choose it. Neither did they. I’d like to go back to the day when children honored their parents even when viewpoints did not align. I’d like to look forward to old age with the comfort of knowing ALL my children will rise to the occasion of whatever comes their way in what that looks like. I’d like to have a relationship. I’d like to kiss all their faces. I’d like to see them all around my Thanksgiving table. I’d like to hold hands and sing the Doxology before we eat.

The likelihood of all of those things happening is not great. But, not to speak negatively about whomever wrote that “put a pin in it” article, I must say, I am a hopeless hope-er. I can keep going with hope for as long as I have breath. And while the mental image of a pin holding down the pain for a period of time while I go out and enjoy life with the remainder of my family and love on them vigorously is appealing, I’ll use it sparingly. Hope is for me. Despair is not.

If you are reading these words and are on the side of the fence of having chosen separation from your family for reasons that do not include safety or protection of your children, I ask you to give it some thought. I don’t claim to know your situation. But I’m starting to have a viewpoint that gets closer to eternity every day. Family is a big part of what holds society together. We have a responsibility. I’ll give it my best shot if you will.

Here’s a song I love. A little out of context. But there again, it’s my space. So it’s my song.

Oh, and it’s right there in the Ten Commandments. So . . .

Exodus 20:1-17

1 And God spoke all these words:

2 “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

3 “You shall have no other gods before me.

4 “You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

7 “You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.

8 “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. 9 Six days you shall labor and do all your work, 10 but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. 11 For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

12 “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

13 “You shall not murder.

14 “You shall not commit adultery.

15 “You shall not steal.

16 “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

17 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

Happy Week of Thanksgiving to all of you in the USA. My prayer is for a great abundance of peace, love, and togetherness for you and your family.

Much love,

MM